Somebody, anybody, put me to use

I've been meaning to post and end the lull in blogging, but so much has happened in the past month I'd never be able to do it justice. In short, we've taken two trips to Portland -one for a week and the other for a weekend- and just Wednesday we went to the MTC to see Matt off on his mission to Salt Lake. Next weekend we're going to Las Vegas for Optimistic.'s Grandpa's 80th birthday. After that we should be done with traveling for a while until we go home again in August. The biggest news with me is that I am unemployed. Despite needing a job for these last six months I have found absolutely nothing, so if you hear of anything, let me know.The following is a list of things I wish I could put on my resume somewhere:

-I can make anything out of cardboard
-I can defuse any situation with humor
-I know how to make playdough
-Winner of best Halloween costume 2006 -dressed as a ham
-Winner of best Halloween costume 2007 -dressed as a side-by-side refrigerator
-I personally made all but two of my sister's art projects during her entire High School career
-Skit writer and ode composer for YW Girl's Camps 1998-2004
-I successfully planned for and hosted The Moppies (a formal award show for Facility Services staff) for two consecutive years
-I make delicious peanut butter chocolate chip cookies
-I know what "cheddar" is slang for
-Fact: I never show up late to anything
-Further fact: I never do a second rate job on anything
-Biggest fact of all: I'm awesome at everything I do and somebody out there should give me a job

Fresh butter

I woke up literally seconds ago, and this is the earthshatteringly good idea I just had. Why no one has never thought of it before now amazes me. Ready? A winter wedding where instead of it being all winter wonderlandy the dress code is Christmas sweaters. Clearly I am a genius. This ranks up there with the time I thought I could turn an empty mascara tube into a portable butter churn, because, you know, who wouldn't love to have fresh butter available to them at all times? The only difference between the two ideas is that shamefully I was wide awake when I invented the miniature butter churn.

P.S. I could not find any Christmas sweater wedding dresses. Perhaps a more intensive google search is in order.

Mucus free since 2:53

Thursday night I started a nasty cold. Finals started on Friday, so I fit them in between blowing my nose, wearing my pajamas, and drinking a lot of water. Today I took two finals and I am done. Sweet freedom until the Fall!

I also shot and edited my final fiction film for TMA 185 in under 24 hours. Optimistic. appears as a cowboy, Spinelli is the office love interest for my protagonist, and a lot of classmates and friends came through for me by acting, running sound, and providing costumes and props.

Despite being sick I went to church on Sunday because I missed last week when I made the mistake of eating year old Easter candy which resulted in something of an upset stomach. Stupid malt eggs. Stupid delicious jelly beans.

A few days ago we decided to order a pizza, so I called it in under my name and later we went to pick it up. When the pizza guy went into the back to get it he came back empty handed asking if there was a first name that went with the order, and I had to respond that the name I'd given him was my first name. People ask me that all the time and it never ceases to bother me. We described the order and he came back with it saying it had been under the name Merrill, which is not even close to my name. I was stuffed up when I called in and things had sounded fairly noisy on their end, but seriously, how did they get "Merrill" out of "Genuine"? If you've seen the show How I Met Your Mother it's like the time Barney's coffee order had "Swarley" written on it, so they called him names like Swarles, Swarlos, Swarles Barkley, and Swarhili.

I am also thrilled to be going on a roadtrip to Portland in only a few short days. If any of you want something from Powell's just let me know and I'll pick it up for you.

It was only a matter of time

It finally happened, just as I knew it someday would -someone mistook me for being pregnant (which I am not) and I was forced to say, "nope, not pregnant, I'm just obese." So really this day has nowhere to go but up.

Stache Bash '09

I managed to stretch the birthday to almost a week. Friday was the mustache goodness, Saturday we ate at the hospital cafe with the family and then went to see the Thrillionaires, a long-form improv comedy group. The first half they put on a play.The second half was a musical. Both were impressive. Sunday we had Sunday dinner with the family. Monday was my actual birthday and it was fairly crappy- my documentary got torn to shreds in class and no packages came. But Tuesday we went to the movies and Burgers Supreme with Uffish and yesterday my package from home came as well as Optimistic.'s gift. All in all a good haul this year. I received:

-A book entitled "How to traumatize Your Children" from Bony M. It's a self hurt book and is very funny.
-"Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs", "Squids Will Be Squids", a Target Gift card and goldfish crackers from Optimistic.'s family. I poured goldfish into my mouth straight from the carton while reading Cloudy
-"The Mysterious Benedict Society" from Whistler. I got this on Friday and spent all my spare moments Saturday and Sunday reading it. It was delightful.
-Potato Head Pals from the Swisses. They're shaped like a carrot, an ear of corn, and a regular potato. I hope to play with them in church and make all the children jealous.
-Hercules and Anastasia from M-Lite and Spinelli. I immediately watched Anastasia on Saturday morning.
-A Wendy's gift card from my classmate R -put to good use on Monday. Mmmm... homestyle chicken go wraps.
-Two very nice cards from my Grandparents Draft and Optimistic.'s Grandparents in Orem, both very thoughtfully containing money prizes.
-Goldfish crackers from my VTee N -cheddar and pizza flavored and also basketball themed
-Kosher baby dill pickles and Pez from my other VTee W
-Icecream Larry and The Hotel Larry by Daniel Manus Pinkwater from Optimistic., which will add nicely to my growing collection of children's book. My only dilemma in owning all these books is that I have no desire to let children get their hands on them. Children are sticky. Children color on books and tear pages. Children are destructive vandals so they had better get their own copy someday.
-My birthday box from home contained paper cups with animal noses on them, Tikki Tikki Tembo, Tangerine, a very nice spill-proof water bottle that I'm drinking from at this very moment, Hercules (which I will need to return), A Diary of a Whimpy Kid, a $50 gift card, comics from The Oregonian, and a fibromyalgia cookbook that's on its way.
-I also received a voice mail from M-Lite that said "Happy Birthday" in a throaty drawn out whisper.Bless her.

Frigidaire

Here are some more pictures from my phone. These are from two Halloweens ago when I went as a side by side refrigerator. I had food and all sorts of stuff on my insides, and then on the outside I had magnets, wedding announcements, pictures, the whole she-bang. People were eating bananas and oatmeal cream pies out of me.Here I am checking the fridge. Guess which one's me. Also, check out my cord.

When I was done with my costume I did what I do every year -I took it the parking lot of the old ward and set it on fire. Unfortunately I also set the parking lot itself on fire. I don't know how or why, just that it kept smoldering. Finally I went up to #15 and asked for a pitcher of water.
That stove in the right hand side of the picture was quaking with fear. If any of your appliances give you any trouble, show them this picture and it will straighten them right out.


P.S. This costume severely limited my arm movement. All the parties I wore it to consisted of me setting food on top of my fridge close to my mouth and trying to eat without using my hands. But it was still better than the year I dressed as a ham and people fed me through my eye hole.

One size fits all

Tiny candy bars are always labeled as "fun sized" or "bite sized". The bar of soap I opened this morning was labeled as being "bath sized". What does that even mean?

Airport Skank

I recently bought a new phone, not because I needed one, but because I've had my old phone for a number of years and someone from Sprint called me up and urged me to go in and get my free upgrade, so I did. Unfortunately, nothing form my old phone transferred over to my new phone. No contacts, no pictures, no ring tone of my sister singing Rafi's Banana Phone song. This was devastating. Upon finding out that nothing was going to switch over I mourned the loss of my data, but my pictures especially. I don't have the cables necessary to get pictures off my phone and I can't text them to my email because I don't text. It seemed my pictures from the last two years would go the way of Darling Clementine and be lost and gone forever. Long story short my sister found a way to get the pictures to me in a daring SIM card switcheroo so I've decided to post some of my more cherished pictures over the next little while.

This is the airport skank and was labeled as such in my phone. While picking up my sister's bestie from the airport last Easter I saw this girl at the baggage claim. Her "dress" was impossibly short and made of spandex. The front was covered in rhinestones. I had to wonder about this girl. Did she wake up and say "I'm flying to Salt Lake today, I wonder if I should dress like I belong in a brothel?" I think she must have. I could only get a picture of her from behind, but that's where the true beauty of this outfit comes into play. As if her outfit isn't terrible enough, if you look closely there's a brown stain on her bottom. And although you can't see them in the picture she was also wearing really high white platform strappy shoes. Let's just say that when I found out I might not get to keep my pictures I thought of this one first. What? No airport skank picture? What will I do? Also, Airport Skank, if you're reading this, I thank you for the humor you have provided and apologize for comparing you to a whore. In short, I wish you well Airport Skank.

Homesville

Today I am in the weak and smelly stage of being sick. It is tons o' fun. I went to classes yesterday for twelve hours despite being sick because Wednesdays are my big day and I had lots of stuff due. But Optimistic. has been really nice -today he scrubbed the tub and suggested I take a relaxing bath. I am sure his offer is sincere and has nothing to do with the way I smell. He also gave me my Valentine's day present early - a whole huge carton of goldfish crackers! I feel very blessed despite being filled to the brim with snot.

Weak sauce

I was doing the dishes today (because the situation in our kitchen was getting a bit dire) and I cut my finger in two places. The weird thing is that it wasn't on a knife or any other utensil. It wasn't even on a broken dish. It was on food. I want you all to picture the least dangerous food you can think of. What cut me? Spaghetti sauce.That's right, spaghetti sauce. I tried to open an empty jar of spaghetti sauce so I could rinse it out and the sauce around the mouth of the jar had hardened to form jagged razor-sharp crusts, two of which cut me when I tried to open the jar. I have learned my lesson and will never do the dishes again. Or I suppose the other take away message might be to not leave old jars by the sink for weeks on end.

I hardly knew ye

First things first -Optimistic.'s beard is coming in nicely and no longer looks as though he simply hasn't shaved in a bit. I took a picture of just his beard but it looked silly without the rest of his face in it so I took a second one without telling him that his face would be seen.

Second things second -Yesterday was the two year mark for the floss being tied around my pinky and I decided to take it off. Most of the time I didn't even notice it was there, but I felt it wouldn't be wise to leave it on any longer. I am very well aware that no one cares about the floss in the slightest, but I captured the whole process and will post the pictures here.
Notice if you can that when the floss is moved away from my finger there's a red line running around it where the floss is.

This is when it had actually been cut.

Me pretending to be sad. Notice the lip.

In this one you can see the dent it left in my finger. I think it will fade over time and won't be permanent, but if it is I will have a great lie to tell when playing two truths and a lie about how it got chopped off in a freak accident and had to be reattached.

the waiting, it kills me

I couldn't sleep all of Christmas eve night. I woke up at 11:25 and never truly got back to sleep. The excitement of waiting for Christmas can do terrible things to you.

Starfing storkings

Yesterday we were supposed to take M-Lite to the airport around noon except her flight got delayed so we pushed back leaving until 2:00. It ended up being delayed 9 hours so we found ourselves with more and more time to do stuff throughout the day. One such thing was going to Target to buy stocking stuffers. My stocking is at home and Optimistic. doesn't have a stocking that specifically belongs to him, so we bought stockings as well as the stuffings. After we'd made all our purchases and were in the car we had a conversation that went something like this -

me: Wait, did you pick out a stocking for me or for you?

him: For you

me: Oh, I also picked out a stocking for me -I thought we were picking out our own stockings but getting the stuff for each other's. And there weren't any with (insert my first initial here)'s on them

him: Yes there were

me: Well you must have gotten the last one before I got there. There were plenty of (insert his first initial here)'s but I thought I was getting a stocking for me so I got an E

him: Why an E?

me: They were out of my letter and I liked the way the E looked.

So I'm going to use the E and Optimistic. will use the one he bought for me, and neither of us will have a stocking with our real initial on it. Years later this will make for a great Christmas tradition where no one in our family will have a stocking that corresponds to their name.

I wish I'd never been born

Our flight home for Christmas got canceled yesterday and I was more or less devastated. Yesterday was just awful, well, the first half at least. It was snowing and we had errands to run before our evening flight that we still thought we'd be taking. I had to go to the DMV to get a new license so I could have some ID with my real name on it before trying to get through security at the airport. Getting to the DMV was awful -it was snowing, State street was a block of ice, and on the way over we bumped into somebody's back bumper because our car just kept on sliding. Luckily there was no damage and the guy was really nice.

So I went and took my written test, but the driving and the testing took long enough that I was going to be late for my doctor's appointment (nothing serious) so I had to call and reschedule, which if you change your appointment without giving an hour's notice they will charge you for the missed appointment. I explained that I was in Orem, that the roads were ice, and that we had actually hit someone already today, and the girl on the phone was nice and said I probably wouldn't be charged because of how terrible it was outside.

So we got to the health center and as I waited to be called in, Optimistic., who had been on the phone, told me that our flight had officially been canceled, that nothing was going in or out of Portland, and that we'd essentially be missing Christmas with our families this year. So I sat and tried not to cry thinking about everything I was going to miss out on as the health center played Christmas music at me -songs like "I'll be home for Christmas" (I won't) and "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas" (I'm not). Driving home I just cried and cried and cried some more when we got home and poured myself some cereal and tried to eat it without choking because it's hard to eat while you're crying.

Optimistic. was much more, well, optimistic about the whole thing and got on the phone and worked on rescheduling our flight. The news is, we're not going home until Saturday the 27th and I think that really bites for a lot of reasons. I'm very much into tradition and have a lot of specific Christmas traditions. Christmas eve I'm supposed to watch It's A Wonderful Life with my family and open the gift from my sibling. Christmas morning I'm supposed to wake up at 5:57, gather up Rough Draft and Huff Draft and do our own little tradition of eating toast and watching Wallace and Gromit until the rest of the family gets up two hours later. And I'm not going to get to do any of those things.

After we'd rescheduled everything Optimistic. decided that we needed to drown our sorrows at Brick Oven, which we did after picking up Uffish and M-Lite to go along with us. We ate and had fun, went to M-Lite's and watched Waking Ned Devine, then tromped our way back home through the snow which was surprisingly fun. So to make a very long story shorter, it could have been much worse -the guy whose car we hit could have been angry, but he wasn't. The girl I talked to about switching appointments didn't have to be understanding, but she was. And as I write this I'm remembering that I have left over pizza in the fridge that I can eat right now. All in all it's been humbling to see the things I value about Christmas taken away, to see it stripped down to nothing but a day and to remember what that day is for.

WAHOO!

I GOT ACCEPTED TO MY MAJOR!!!!!1!!! As you can see I'm being very dignified about it.


P.S. I don't think the people who accepted me have any idea that I can barely use a computer, but that's for me to know and hide from them forever
P.P.S. My major is Media Arts Studies (i.e. film and that sort of jazz)

Crap chutes and Ladders (patent pending)

Highlight from today: A lady in our ward said "crap chute" over the pulpit. That was pretty awesome. Also, today I returned to a favorite pastime of anagraming the hymn titles. If you're ever bored in sacrament meeting I highly recommend giving it a try. The last isn't a real anagram because it's missing a U, but I'm okay with that.

With Wondering Awe= We own a weird thing
O Come All Ye Faithful=Call me Al if you hef to
and
We'll Sing All Hail to Jesus' Name=Snail Mangles Seal With Jello

We'll see

I had my interview for my major today, and it went something like this-
I picked out my outfit last night, deciding to go with my cute black dress, sweater, and fun green shoes that Haley gave me. They have to let me in if I have cute shoes. This morning I walked up to campus in regular clothes, arrived at the HFAC, changed into my cute clothes and joined the line of people also waiting to be interviewed. Everyone was remarkably nervous and conversational, myself included. When the girl next to me said she thought she was going to wet herself she was so nervous I advised her to run away, much like Scar in Lion King. It's a very competitive major to get into. But she knew I was joking. One guy said he felt a little overdressed, but the girl next to him assured him that he looked good and said she liked his shoes. He in turn complimented her shoes and the conversation turned to the hypothetical "maybe we can win them over if we have nice shoes." Nobody commented on my amazing shoes, because they were obviously intimidated by them. I mean, they're fabulous shoes. They have to let me in with shoes like these.

The main cause for worry was that the interview is only 3 minutes long. Three minutes to make the best impression you'll ever need to make because this interview decides your future. I tried to do some reading while I waited, but it was impossible. People kept on turning the corner and coming down the hall where the interview room was, and we all had to look every time someone came along, because it might mean that they were coming for one of us. I eventually got called and when I stepped into the room I was kind of shocked to find that there were roughly a dozen people in there. A whole huge future-deciding committee. And the guy who did the ushering in and out got my last name wrong -somehow the first letter got changed to a P, but one of the ladies knew it was a typo.

Despite the fact that the interview was only 3 minutes long I managed to touch on a multitude of topics -I told them I was sock-puller # 2 in our family's static cling commercial, what I was doing when Princess Diana died, and about the time I cleaned puke out of a piano in the back room of BYUSA. All totally relevant to the topic at hand. I think it went well enough -they asked me questions like "was there a sock-puller #1?" and "how did you get the puke out of the piano?". I had them riveted I say, riveted! Or at least I mildly entertained them. Maybe I shouldn't have revealed how I got the puke out -it would have left them wanting more.

she's a lawn sweeper, 80's beeper, finder's keeper don't you mess around with her

Waiting at the bus stop one morning I saw a woman across the street sweeping her walk in her dressing gown, except after she'd swept the walk she proceeded to sweep the lawn as well. And then she kept bending over and picking stuff up off her lawn -presumably leaves. Why would anyone be up at 6:55 to sweep their lawn?

I saw her again last week, only this time it was lighter out and I saw that while she did indeed sweep her walk, behind her garage and out of sight she switched to a rake instead of a broom to tidy her lawn. So much for my sweeping theory. Her yard is meticulous, but I cannot understand why she does it. There's a distinct line where her yard ends and her neighbor's begins; her neighbor's yard is covered with leaves and there's a tree above it full of even more leaves waiting to fall. The crazy-early-leaf-picker-upper-woman's tree has no leaves on it. Did she get tired of waiting for the leaves to fall and use moon boots to strip them off the top of her tree?

I also looked down at the ditch next to where I wait for the bus and thought I saw a human finger, fairly pale but with a bloody stump and ridges where knuckles would be. Closer inspection revealed that it was a carrot.

Ghost painter

I did little to no work today. Instead I painted ghosts to hang up in my cubicle. That and I discovered that there is a band called Pianosaurus after the toy we once had.

Going for that sexy bee-stung lips look that only celebrities can pull off

As I was crossing the street on my way home from work today something flew through the air and hit me in the face before continuing on its way. I whipped my head around to see a bee flying off. A large bee. I got hit in the face by a bee. Except it hit me on my lips. I was kissed by a bee.* A non-committal love her and leave her jerk of a bee. I hope Optimistic. is wild with envy.



*It meant nothing to me, I swear. And it was all rather innocent -I had my lips closed. But I can't speak for the bee.

Come on down!

I had my follow-up appointment at the health center, so now it's time to play Catch That Disease! Spin the wheel for us, why don'tcha Johnny? Look at it go, and it looks like it's landing on........................fibromyalgia! Congratulations Johnny, you're our big winner today -tell him what he's won Rod!

"You'll be experiencing widespread aches and pains as never before with a disease so vague there's no known cure or cause! Non-degenerative and non-fatal, you're in for a real treat -it only manifests itself in 2% of the US population! But that's not all -you've also won yourself a bottle of amitriptyline! I'd ask you if you want to bid or pass, but you don't really have a choice!"


Also, I really like the idea of a game show where the contestants are doctors and they bring in a patient and whoever diagnoses them right makes it to the showdown round where they perform surgery blindfolded or something like that. It'd be like "What's my Line" or if you prefer, "What's my Crime" from 101 Dalmatians.

Stand in the place where you live

Update on me, because that's why you read this thing.

I am back in school, and I'm taking almost exclusively GEs which will undoubtedly make for a very tedious semester. I'm still at my job that I had over the summer. I decided to stay and work on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I don't have classes. This also means that I am now a commuter, because Maranda took her car when she rolled back into town, so now I ride the bus to Orem with the best of them. It gives me time to do all the reading for my reading intensive GEs though, so that's a plus.

I had a root canal this morning, and once I go back next week to have the build-up done for a crown, I will be out of money from the insurance company until next year, so crowns and root canal #2 are on hold until January. Maybe I shouldn't have had tried to do 7 years worth of dental work all at once, but my dentist assured me it was urgent. For now I can't eat anything sticky or hard. My dentist advised that I chew on the other side of my mouth while I have my temporary filling in, but I pointed out that I've got a root canal started on that other side as well. I guess it's pudding and juice for awhile.

M-Lite decided that we should start water coloring, so once a week we (her and me and M-High and Krebscout) are going to paint. We went and bought supplies last night with a lot of advice from Krebscout. I think it will be fun, and I'm not shooting for much more than that. Cardboard is my preferred medium -I've never been much of a painter.

I went to the doctor last week because I have some back and knee pain, and I feel pretty arthritic for someone who's only twenty-one. Result: I had my blood taken for the first time ever so they can check me for rare auto-immune diseases and scare the crap out of me. It wasn't so bad at the time, but the crook of my arm turned into one gigantic bruise that hasn't gone away. In fact, up until yesterday it was getting bigger and yellower. The upshot is that now I'll probably find out what blood type I am. I'm hoping for O+, but I'll probably be A+ like all my sisters.

I bought my BYU football shirt today, in preparation for the game against UCLA tomorrow. Go cougars! Now I have to go to class, and then after class today I have to do laundry, clean the living room, go to a BBQ at M-Lite's, go to our stake BBQ, and possibly go to Humor U. Alas, my work is never done.

For a good time call

Saturday night 11:03

We'd just gotten back from a friend's house after a triple date with tacos, the Olympics, and bocce ball, when my phone rang. No one would call me that late unless they knew I was up, so I assumed it was the friend whose house we'd just left calling to say I'd forgotten an onion or something. It was not. Instead it was a guy out with a group of friends at Denny's. This is how the conversation went -

-Hello?
-Hi, I'm calling for Genuine...
-That's me
-Hi, my name is Joseph, and I'm at a Denny's and I found this sugar packet that says "For a good time, call Genuine" so we thought we'd call in search of a good time. What are you up to?
-I'm just getting ready for bed, but you're in for a good time if you're at Denny's. What did you order-the grand slam I hope
-We actually haven't ordered yet, but I'll keep that in mind

The conversation went on and I asked what they were doing eating so late and was informed that they were a group of actors who had just finished a performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Sundance resort, and they were out for a bite to eat to celebrate.

-Oh, who do you play?
-Tom snout, the tinker who plays the wall in the smaller play. Here, I'm handing you off to one of my friends...

-Hello?
-Hello, who's this?
-I'm Wes
-Wes? The only other Wes I've ever met was a dentist
-Yeah, it's kind of a rare name -I like it
- I have a rare name too, and I like it
-Yeah -Genuine- I'd never heard that name before
-Neither had I until I had it. Wes, who do you play?
-I'm Nick Bottom
-Oh that's nice
-Hey I have a question -why did you write your name and"For a good time call" on a sugar packet?
-Ah, well, I didn't write my name on a sugar packet. It's something my husband and I do when we're at restaurants, writing our friends' numbers on sugar packets, so I suspect that someone I know has done the same thing to me. A friend of mine actually got a call off of one once.

Wes then handed me over to a third cast member who Wes said plays a fairy. Guy number three corrected him and said that he was not a fairy, he was an immortal person. Way to be politically correct guy number three. In the end, I was handed back to "Joey" who encouraged me to come see the show, and assured me that they had indeed had a "good time" talking to me as advertised by my sugar packet.

I'm tempted to go see their show now. If you're at all interested you should call the number below -it's sure to be a good time.

Cheesesteaks, get your cheesesteaks!

Finding out that our office in Philly South is burning to the ground right now=slightly more interesting day at the office.

This is the house that boredom built

Question: Did I just make a little house out of paper clips and tape because there was nothing to do at work?
Answer: Yes, yes I did
Question: Did I then proceed to cover the roof of my tiny paper clip house with even tinier shingles made out of sticky notes?
Answer: No comment

Bejeweled

Sitting in a Wendy's for lunch there was a group of four guys sitting across the way. One of them turned to the guy sitting diagonal from him and asked, "Do I love you, or am I settling?"There was a lot of context, but without the context it makes that sentence the funniest thing I've heard this week.

Context: There was a song by Jewel playing on the radio and one of them asked what it was about. One guy said it was about commuting (which means this guy was a complete moron). Another guy said he was wrong, and that the song was about settling, about standing still in a relationship, which prompted him to say,"Do I love you, or am I settling?"

Root root root for the home team

Brief update -I can't feel my face right now. I just got back from the dentist's office, where they gave me lots of shots and started two root canals. The problem with me and going to the dentist is that I have no problem going to the dentist. I always end up laughing when I'm in the chair because my brain is always churning out random images, making the situation extremely comical.

For instance, when you get a root canal they take a series of what I suppose are files, and they gouge out the inside of your tooth with them. The files get bigger and bigger. They did this to me not moments ago, and then they packed my teeth full of some cotton type stuff and sealed them up. Except when they were packing in the cotton type stuff, I had the thought: What if they were packing my teeth with explosives? Can't you picture that? Exploding teeth? It made me want to laugh like crazy, except I couldn't because, fact: There were a couple of hands in my mouth. There was also a lot of spit, so when I tried to suppress my laughter it made a loud stranglingly gargled noise. They assumed I was choking because of the amount of spit they'd let accrue in the back of my throat, which they promptly apologized for and then remedied the situation by using the sucker thingus to remove it all.

Except the spit wasn't the reason for the gargle, and I still had to laugh because I suddenly wondered what would happen if I were to bite down on my dentist's hand. Then I realized I couldn't even if I wanted to because they were using one of those rubber tooth pillows to keep my jaw open. Fact: tooth pillows are nowhere near as luxurious and comfortable as regular sleeping type pillows. I tried to think about non-hilarious things, like puppies dying, but it turns out I am some kind of sicko or something because that did nothing. So I tried to think about tooth decay and the fact that my teeth are unhealthy, and that finally did the trick.

The best part of all of this is that Optimistic. bought me pudding and now we get to go out for my traditional after dentist hamburger.

Bastille Day

My finger floss is a year and a half old as of today.

I went camping at Silver Lake this last weekend. If anyone ever asks you if you want to go camping at Silver Lake, do not hesitate -kick them in the head and run away. It was beautiful and all, but it's a long drive on a road made out of boulders, and when you get to the top there aren't any bathrooms. I was very angry by the time I got out of the car.

I get to go to the dentist on Wednesday and I'm excited to finally get a cleaning as well as some follow up appointments to get my root canals and wisdom teeth taken care of.

We're going to Yellowstone next week, which will be a lot of fun -a lot of the game show network, a lot of bison, a lot of Optimistic.'s family and a lot of poker.

I just ate some ravioli.

I blame you for my pickle factory accident!

Dear My Bladder,
You should be relieved to know that despite the dream I had this morning you are not powered by lithium batteries.*

Ever yours,
Genuine P. Draft

*Upon hearing about my dream Optimistic replied "lithium batteries, or lithium blatteries?" His ability to make bad puns even at 3:12 in the morning astounds me

Sissified

I came across the best name yet at work yesterday - are you ready for this? PANSY PIERRE!* I laughed for a good long while about this one.

*Pansy if you're reading this please don't have me fired.

Sweet holy goodness I'm going to make me some chicken

It finally arrived - my fryer is here! I ordered it last week after a chicken frying incident, and now it's here in my kitchen begging me to deep fry some breaded ravioli. I actually dreamed about it being delivered. Goodbye arteries, hello happiness, I think that I will die!

The DMV, the stripper, and me.

The other day at work I had to spend my lunch break running errands -namely, getting my car registered. So I spent a horrible lunch break trying to get over to the DMV and finally made it there after having to stop by the safety and emissions testing place, going the wrong way on Center street, and having to parallel park, which I do not know how to do. Anyway, I got the new plates and miracle of miracles only had to spend about 15 minutes at the DMV, so I raced back to work, arriving with a few minutes to spare before I had to clock back in. Except I couldn't clock back in, because I couldn't get through the door of the office.

Earlier in the day one of my bosses had received a bouquet of roses roughly the size, though not the shape, of Texas. It was her 5 year anniversary, and her husband was being romantic. That same boss was outside the office door when I got back from the DMV, and she was in handcuffs, with two party hats on her head, as a fake cop was writing her out a ticket. He was a middle aged man with large mirrored sunglasses and a badge on the sleeve of his uniform that said "oinker patrol". He wrote out the ticket, gave her a stern lecture, and then proceeded to strip.

With a whip of his belt, off came the pants. Then the shirt. Underneath his clothes he was wearing a leopard skin Tarzan type outfit, with his chest hairs peeking out the top and his garment bottoms peeking out the bottom. He was also wearing grey dress socks that came halfway up his hairy calves. He sang a slightly shocking song about marriage to the Mexican hat dance song. And when it was all over he announced that he liked my boss so much he was going to let her keep the handcuffs.

I finally managed to get through the door to my desk where I clocked in and wondered why I couldn't have been held up at the DMV like every other person.

Catherine C. Crapper

Some of the fun names I have come across at work-

-Sandy Jelly
-Joy Christmas
-Queen Angus
-Michael Jackson

Look, you get porridge!

When my alarm went off this morning I pushed Optimistic.'s nose in an attempt to turn it off. He did not seem very pleased.

James Earl Jones is a little girl in my ward

Today in Sunday School, during the prayer when everyone had their eyes closed, a small child was crying. Then there was a loud thud and the crying stopped. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say that there are some very ugly kids in my ward. One little girl in particular reminded me of somebody I couldn't place until I realized that she looked like a boiled egg, and the only other person I equate with looking that way is Darth Vader with his mask off. Yeah, no amount of elastic bows on her head is gonna cover that up.

Shooting the craps

Optimistic. and I have gone crazy for poker since my birthday, so last week I bought a poker table top thingus and it got here on Friday! It has cup holders, a reversible top for blackjack and, wait for it......CRAPS! Craps is incredibly fun to play, just so you all know -I've never lost so much fake money in all my life!

I also started my new job last month, but I'll write more on that sometime later. For now just know that I'm getting better at my job, which entails making phone calls (I hate talking on the phone) and using a computer 9 hours a day (I hate using computers). Thank goodness for gambling or I'd go crazy living day after day with the endless drudgery of...I mean... I love you Optimistic. and the life we share together! Well, gotta go folks, there's church to be had!

Not the crappy play by Edward Albee, but the real American Dream

My sisters and I were talking the other day about the ice cream man. I said it was one of those things that's supposedly a part of every person's childhood, but that I didn't really think it was. It's just something the kids on T.V. do, which doesn't mean it's an accurate representation of how things really are. I'd never gotten to buy anything from the ice cream man growing up, so there was a good chance a lot of other kids hadn't either. I was never able to buy anything from the ice cream man because it was too expensive, and why buy a popsicle from a strange man in a van when we already have some in the freezer, was the reasoning my mom used. And she's right - it's not practical.

So in my head I entertained the idea that maybe only a small fraction of the population has purchased ice cream from the ice cream man. It's a myth I said- an "all children get their ice cream from the ice cream man" type myth. Except my sisters squelched that right away - they'd gotten something from the ice cream man as children. Apparently my mom gave them money one time when he came around. I have no idea where I was when this happened, but it was rather upsetting to think that they had gotten to get something and I had not.

Anyway, yesterday I went to buy groceries. I returned home, parked, took one loads worth of food inside, plunked it on the kitchen table, and headed back outside to get more, and then I heard it. The ice cream man music. I looked about wildly until I saw the van. He was coming right down my street.I didn't even hesitate - I took my wallet out of my purse and marched purposefully down the street, right toward him. I stayed close to the curb at first, so as to not be directly in the road, because Optimistic. said his dad handles a lot of insurance claims dealing with children who have been run over trying to cross the street to get to the ice cream man. So I waited until he was close, stepped out a little further into the street, and stopped. His eyes got big as he realized that here was someone who wanted to buy from him, and he stepped on the brakes.

To be honest, I was a little unsure of what to do. I told him I was trying to decide what to buy, and then asked him if I was on the right side of the truck to buy my ice cream. He assured me that I was. I didn't want anything too expensive, but at the same time I wanted to make the stop worth his while, so I settled on a $2.00 Jolly Rancher Watermelon sno-cone type treat. I knew as soon as he handed it to me that it wasn't really what I wanted, but I didn't actually care. I had bought something from the ice cream man. I was living the American dream.

I walked back over toward my house, tearing open my treat as I went, and I saw a little girl across the street playing in her yard. Or rather, she had stopped playing and was staring open-mouthed at the ice cream truck. Toy garden spade in hand she turned and ran for her mother, no doubt begging her to let her get a treat. I gloated a little in my head. I had a treat. Granted, I'm a grown up and I had to pay for it myself in order to live out a life long childhood fantasy, but I still had a sno-cone and she didn't - sucker face!

With Bony M's permission, I may tell another ice cream man story another day. It involves deception and enraged Canadians.

Moses, Moses!

I, Genuine P. Draft have a job for this summer. Most likely. Anyway, it's kind of exciting to be employed, so I'm going to focus on that fact rather than the fact that I don't exactly know what my new job entails. I'm going to be an Area Office Coordinator for a company, and from what I've been told it means I'd be bossing around people who are in Texas and various places. We'll see if I'm up to it.

More importantly, I found a mustache yesterday while I was at work. It was left behind after a language fair and probably belonged on the sweaty lip of some 13 year old kid, but I snatched it up and am considering wearing it when I go to take my finals. I truly am tempted.

And more important than that is that there was a giant hairy spider in my shower this morning, right on top of the shower head, which is where the last shower spider I encountered was almost six years ago. It was frightening. I had to club it with various empty bottles. I may never shower again friends.

Also, Optimistic. and I are going to St. Louis next month for a whole week of spectacular goodness. There will be a wedding of a Leaps to a Krys, a Radiohead concert, some staying with friends in Indiana, and possibly some six flags, Chicago, Muncie, and Louisville thrown in for good measure. It will be amazingly good times.

Today we had a small party at work because it was Nichole's last day. It was interesting because we decided to have it in one of the freight elevators. We brought in a table with a tablecloth and had doughnuts and milk and cookies while we were purposefully stopped between two floors. Tomorrow I'm going to do laundry, maybe take some finals, and maybe hit up a garage sale I know is going down a block from my house.

I haven't written about any of the things I did this last month. I turned 21, had an Easter egg hunt, accidentally changed the time on my alarm clock and woke Optimistic. up at five in the morning, had Freyja and a friend come stay with us over conference weekend, wrote a song about Wafflepants (it's very catchy), finished up all my classes, had an English professor say that I was presumptuous when I asked him for help, drank Jamba Juice, and was tutored by my friend who taught me everything I should have learned about statistics throughout the semester but didn't in just a few hours. I also ate at Tucanos recently and wanted to die afterward I was so full. And I bought The Ten Commandments to commemorate the passing of Charlton Heston. I'm half way through; he has seen the burning bush and is about to head to Egypt to give Yul Brynner what for. Go get 'em Charlton!

Today I took an Easter egg out of someone else's bushes, opened it up, ate a malt egg out of it, and put it back. Then I hit a friend with the Easter basket I happened to be carrying with me in the library on my way to read Ice Cream Larry books. And before all that Optimistic. and I went on a walk to the duck pond and carried on our Easter tradition of rolling our decorated hard boiled eggs at the ducks. I also went back to my old apartment and reclaimed my favorite blue rocking chair from off the balcony. Just walked off with it after having left it there for almost a year. I hope they wonder about it, whoever lives there now. I chased ducks, and almost caught a slow one. People across the street were having a picnic on their lawn while I did dishes with the window open. This evening the temperature was perfect outside.

I have plans for my tax rebate - I'm getting a tent - a big one that sleeps a dozen people with enough room to stand up in and stay up all night playing cards by lantern so that when I say "Let's go camping" and someone says "I don't have a tent" I can say "I have a tent - a big tent - and you and seven other people can come and camp with me, if I like you and your seven other people well enough."

It is Spring outside, and close to being Summer and I will camp and picnic and play croquet and lay in the park at night being eaten by bugs and be wildly happy.

License to kill

Walking home from work yesterday I saw a license plate that read KELLBEL. I concluded that its owner must (a) be a fan of the movie Kill Bill and (b) be a native Utahan.