Long, depressing, and not worth reading

Still home sick, and bored out of my mind. I still have to take my french test today, even though I can barely understand this chapter when I'm not feeling like death. Like I said, I lounged yesterday. I lolled also, but that's not important. I was bored. I watched Pollyanna. Please note for future reference, that watching a movie about a crippled girl does not actually lift your spirits. I managed to eat some applesauce while waiting to call home until after they would be out of church. H and I talked for over an hour, which made me feel better. We remembered a time we went to Enchanted Forest, this amusement park back home, and how we thought we were going to die on the log ride and promised each other all sorts of things in what we thought were our last moments together.

"If I die, you can have my cat sitting job."

I tried to go to bed at 8pm, but got up at various times after getting into bed. The first time was because somebody in the ward had a paper for me. The second time was around 11pm - I couldn't remember a date and needed to look it up on the computer. While I was up, a girl came over and she and my roommate began yelling. Squealing also occurred, and running around and slamming doors and screaming, all at a ridiculous volume. I walked past them to get to my room, and the girl asked what she could do for me. I responded rather coldly-

-You can stop screaming indoors. Good Night.

As I walked away I heard my roommate whisper "she's sick" as if this had something to do with me disapproving of their antics. The apartments where I live are loud all of the time. I have obnoxiously loud roommates, but even if they weren't home there would still be the people outside on the balconies making noise. Usually it's a combination of the two. I haven't finished my investigation yet, but I'm pretty sure the walls here are actually paper thin.

I told you I went to bed at 8pm. I did not fall asleep until sometime around 3am. I wanted to sleep and my brain wouldn't let me. I tried (unsuccessfully) to convince myself that I'd taken some NyQuil earlier. Surely thinking I'd taken some would induce a nice coma, but alas the placebo thing didn't work, probably because I knew I hadn't actually taken any. So my body was tired and my mind was running rampant, churning up all sorts of memories I'd forgotten, all while it rained outside my window.

I wanted more than anything to get up and go outside in the rain last night, but I stopped myself, and I don't know why. I told myself that it was because I was sick, but M-Lite pointed out that that has never stopped me before. She's absolutely right about that. I used to do all sorts of things in the rain. I even used to go out and jump on our trampoline during thunderstorms, or when it was hailing. One Sunday I rode my bike around the park by my house in the rain while wearing my church clothes. I also wore my old lady rain bonnet, which is a thing of beauty for those of you have yet to see it.

I thought about a million random things last night while I couldn't sleep. Most persistent was the thought that I wanted to go out on to the balcony and yell at my noisy neighbors, "FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP, SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND KICK YOU IN THE FACE!" As you can see, I'm not always as polite as I could be, but in my defense I did refrain from yelling this. I do say violent things like this all the time though. Anyway, some of the random things I thought about:

-How I picture doing math in my head, addition in particular.
-The health office at my middle school
-My memory. I wrote a whole post about this in my head last night, about how I can memorize all sorts of things very easily, like facts and numbers, but I forget things about myself a lot of the time.
-When I was bored yesterday and watching Pollyanna I got out my presidential place mat and memorized the presidents in order, just to see if I could. Last night I went through them more than a couple of times in order, then tried to cement their numbers in my mind by reciting them in columns, rather than in rows as they appear on my place mat. So- 1, 11, 21, 31, 41, 2, 12, 22, 32, 42, 3, like that. This didn't help me fall asleep. Curse you Warren G. Harding.
-I played What Are You Doing in my head. More W and N. I came up with Whaling Nintendos, and pictured someone yelling "White Wii!" as they fired an imaginary harpoon. Yeah, M-Lite didn't think it was funny either, so don't worry.
-My French test
-Friday the 13th
-How I picture the months of the year in my head as opposed to how everyone else I've talked to pictures them. Mine's vertical, whereas most people think horizontally and in a loop, and Boney M pictures the months as a backwards C if I'm not mistaken
-A million more things I can't remember now.

And here's the clincher - I cried. I never cry, and by never I mean very very rarely. It occurred to me that few people outside of my family have seen me cry, one of the two exceptions being a time I slipped in the bleachers at a high school football game and hit my shin really hard. Then I cried, and the people who knew me were probably disturbed, because they know that I do not cry. My sister's best friend saw me and went to find my sister.

A: Ummm. Genuine's crying.
H: What are you talking about?
A: I just saw her.
H: I don't know what you thought you saw, but it wasn't that.

It was because of my roommates and the fact that they were being loud when I wanted to sleep. I wanted to go out into the kitchen and tell them off, tell them how much I desperately wanted to sleep, and that I thought they were the loudest and most inconsiderate people I had ever met. But I knew that it wouldn't do any good, knew that it made no difference to them that I was upset, and I didn't want them to see me upset, so I did nothing - nothing but cry, and try to sleep in spite of my brain and wonder why I live the way I do, with strangers in a crappy apartment. I don't want to be in school right now, and I feel like I'm not allowed to quit. I just want to do what I want to do, which is:

-Sleep more
-Learn how to cook
-Make things, build things. Houses, forts, playgrounds, anything.
-Paint (fences, stage flats, etc.)
-Be in a play
-Repair vacuums
-Understand car engines
-Sew (drapes, costumes, the works!)
-Garden
-Teach children
-Read good books again
-Work in a library
-Ride my bicycle at the park
-Play softball
-Eat watermelon and corn on the cob
-Play croquet
-Learn how to play the clarinet properly
-Make a giant collage out of postage stamps
-Do anything that requires using a hot glue gun
-Make a movie
-Write children's books

I want to be doing all of these things rather than be in school right now. I want a bit of unstructured folly - I want life skills, things that I won't be graded on, things that are worth knowing. I want to be excited about something again.

Okay, I'm done now. Just know that all this is coming from the mind of someone who's housebound, getting over a fever, and who has eaten mostly carrot shavings and Advil today - I'm not normally this insane. Topics of upcoming posts should include reminiscences of living with the Maoist my freshman year, my scars, memory and the long word I can spell forward and backward in a short amount of time, the correlation between the office supplies you own and how much of an adult you are, and my Easter/laundry basket.