SPIT

I spit down an elevator shaft this summer.I recalled all this after seeing Uffish hock one fierce loogie on Thursday. When I see people spit on the ground I am disgusted. It's sick. At my high school there was an outside back hallway that led from the weight room out to a parking lot and then to the football field and it was always wet with the spit of athletes, and it smelled oddly, just the way you would expect a saliva covered piece of asphalt to smell. And sometimes for my P.E. class, which was actually something akin to yoga, we would have to go outside, and our shoes would already be off, and I've have to walk through this saliva-ed no man's land, dodging loogie landmines. It's disgusting, and I equate it with littering in a way, which I believe to be the ultimate sin. I understand that spit isn't technically littering because of the whole biodegradable thing, but I still think that both are ethically wrong, and you might find it interesting to know that spit is technically classified as a weapon. Yeah, that's right, a weapon. (This is mainly to keep inmates from spitting on prison guards, but it truly is a weapon).

And I spit this summer. Not even outdoors which would have been excusable to most people, (though still not acceptable to me), but indoors. I was at work and there were three of us cleaning the thresholds of the elevators, which requires riding up to a floor, shutting down the elevator, then scrubbing and polishing and vacuuming, before riding up to the next floor before doing it all again. Six floors we're talking about here, and there are two elevators. I don't actually know why it all came about, but one of my co-workers decided to spit down the shaft when we were on the 3rd floor. He actually missed and ended up spitting all over the spot we were trying to clean. Anyway, we said that if he was going to spit down the shaft he should at least go up to the 6th floor and do it, and for some reason I said that if he did it from the 6th I would too, so we went about cleaning, all the while me saving up my spit because I've never been able to spit on command, and so by the time we got up to the 6th floor my mouth was almost full.

He spit, as our third co-worker looked on in disgust, but it wasn't very straight and I think ended up hitting the inside wall of the shaft almost immediately. Then it was my turn, and despite the fact that I don't approve of spitting in any situation except those involving watermelon seeds, I went for it. I put my lips right up close to the gap in the floor and spit. It was almost like in the cartoons when something or someone is falling and you hear a whistling noise before the splat - in my case there was an almost silence and then a "whap" kind of sound. It's highly unlikely that my loogie really made it all the way to the 1st floor, but I like to believe that it did.

So now you know the truth, that I am a hypocritical disgusting person who spits down the insides of buildings, and I hope you think the less of me for it, but still like me. The end.