Songs of September

Yesterday I brought up the play "The Fantastiks" when talking to M-Lite. I saw it only once, when I was around eight years old. I remember 12 words of one of the songs, one line ("This plum is too ripe"), and the basic idea behind the plot. I remember next to nothing about it, but I like this play. The premise was that there were two neighbors who hated each other so they built up a wall to separate their yards, and they refused to let their children be friends. This of course led to the two of their children falling madly in love because their fathers hated each other and it was forbidden. Then it comes out that the fathers are really best friends and they built the wall and pretended to hate each other preciseley so that their children would fall in love. Now everything is hunky-dorey and they can stop pretending that they're enemies so they tear down the wall, but then everything goes sour. I don't remember much beyond that but I liked the fathers in the play because of their scheming and old-manish ways. They decided that the reason it all ended badly was because pretending to hate each other was half the fun; waiting until their kids were out to sneak over to the other's house for a secret game of cards, etc.

My conflict is this, and I know this is a somewhat inane statement, but I like for friendships to be fun. I don't like having to work for it, put up with drama, etc. I want people who like me as much as I like them. However, although I do like it when people confide in me, I never confide in other people, so they in turn don't confide in me, and it's a vicious cycle in which the friendship never progresses because I'm too emotionally guarded. I'm pretty sure that makes me a bad friend. I can also be friends with someone I don't like, which probably makes me insincere. I can be there for them and listen to their concerns and give them advice and not even really like them. I'm willing to do that when I have to, but I'd prefer not to. I want people who are low maintenance like I am, who like to laugh, and if they have any major problems, I don't know about it. But at the same time I think this says something that I'm not capable of deep relationships, and that I care about people only to a certain extent. Basically I feel both ways and have yet to find a good balance.

One of my sisters, M, and I once talked about what would happen if someone in our family were to die, and we both decided that our family would pretty much fall apart because we have no way to cope with something so terrible. Our mom wouldn't be able to handle it, and I think we'd all go to pieces after something like that. I've never had someone close to me die -nobody in my family, immediate or extended has died. I've got all my siblings, cousins, parents, aunts & uncles, and grandparents in tact give or take a few organs.

My home teachers last year would come and three of the messages in a row were about trials, and I told them I didn't think I had any. Everyone goes through trials, but my life has been somewhat lacking in terrible things, not that I'm complaining, but I sometimes worry that maybe I'll be trial-less for a long time and then this whole slew of devastating things will happen to make up for it and I'll be crushed by it because it will be so overwhelming. Then again I wonder if I do have trials and I just don't know about them. How can you not know you have trials though? I should think it would be obvious. Maybe I'm just not observant enough. Or too optimistic, which seems unlikely. Well, when I do, I guess I'll know, and if not, someone will probably inform me after the fact. I'm always the last to know about things and I don't see why this would be the exception.