For a good time call

Saturday night 11:03

We'd just gotten back from a friend's house after a triple date with tacos, the Olympics, and bocce ball, when my phone rang. No one would call me that late unless they knew I was up, so I assumed it was the friend whose house we'd just left calling to say I'd forgotten an onion or something. It was not. Instead it was a guy out with a group of friends at Denny's. This is how the conversation went -

-Hello?
-Hi, I'm calling for Genuine...
-That's me
-Hi, my name is Joseph, and I'm at a Denny's and I found this sugar packet that says "For a good time, call Genuine" so we thought we'd call in search of a good time. What are you up to?
-I'm just getting ready for bed, but you're in for a good time if you're at Denny's. What did you order-the grand slam I hope
-We actually haven't ordered yet, but I'll keep that in mind

The conversation went on and I asked what they were doing eating so late and was informed that they were a group of actors who had just finished a performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Sundance resort, and they were out for a bite to eat to celebrate.

-Oh, who do you play?
-Tom snout, the tinker who plays the wall in the smaller play. Here, I'm handing you off to one of my friends...

-Hello?
-Hello, who's this?
-I'm Wes
-Wes? The only other Wes I've ever met was a dentist
-Yeah, it's kind of a rare name -I like it
- I have a rare name too, and I like it
-Yeah -Genuine- I'd never heard that name before
-Neither had I until I had it. Wes, who do you play?
-I'm Nick Bottom
-Oh that's nice
-Hey I have a question -why did you write your name and"For a good time call" on a sugar packet?
-Ah, well, I didn't write my name on a sugar packet. It's something my husband and I do when we're at restaurants, writing our friends' numbers on sugar packets, so I suspect that someone I know has done the same thing to me. A friend of mine actually got a call off of one once.

Wes then handed me over to a third cast member who Wes said plays a fairy. Guy number three corrected him and said that he was not a fairy, he was an immortal person. Way to be politically correct guy number three. In the end, I was handed back to "Joey" who encouraged me to come see the show, and assured me that they had indeed had a "good time" talking to me as advertised by my sugar packet.

I'm tempted to go see their show now. If you're at all interested you should call the number below -it's sure to be a good time.

Cheesesteaks, get your cheesesteaks!

Finding out that our office in Philly South is burning to the ground right now=slightly more interesting day at the office.

This is the house that boredom built

Question: Did I just make a little house out of paper clips and tape because there was nothing to do at work?
Answer: Yes, yes I did
Question: Did I then proceed to cover the roof of my tiny paper clip house with even tinier shingles made out of sticky notes?
Answer: No comment

Bejeweled

Sitting in a Wendy's for lunch there was a group of four guys sitting across the way. One of them turned to the guy sitting diagonal from him and asked, "Do I love you, or am I settling?"There was a lot of context, but without the context it makes that sentence the funniest thing I've heard this week.

Context: There was a song by Jewel playing on the radio and one of them asked what it was about. One guy said it was about commuting (which means this guy was a complete moron). Another guy said he was wrong, and that the song was about settling, about standing still in a relationship, which prompted him to say,"Do I love you, or am I settling?"

Root root root for the home team

Brief update -I can't feel my face right now. I just got back from the dentist's office, where they gave me lots of shots and started two root canals. The problem with me and going to the dentist is that I have no problem going to the dentist. I always end up laughing when I'm in the chair because my brain is always churning out random images, making the situation extremely comical.

For instance, when you get a root canal they take a series of what I suppose are files, and they gouge out the inside of your tooth with them. The files get bigger and bigger. They did this to me not moments ago, and then they packed my teeth full of some cotton type stuff and sealed them up. Except when they were packing in the cotton type stuff, I had the thought: What if they were packing my teeth with explosives? Can't you picture that? Exploding teeth? It made me want to laugh like crazy, except I couldn't because, fact: There were a couple of hands in my mouth. There was also a lot of spit, so when I tried to suppress my laughter it made a loud stranglingly gargled noise. They assumed I was choking because of the amount of spit they'd let accrue in the back of my throat, which they promptly apologized for and then remedied the situation by using the sucker thingus to remove it all.

Except the spit wasn't the reason for the gargle, and I still had to laugh because I suddenly wondered what would happen if I were to bite down on my dentist's hand. Then I realized I couldn't even if I wanted to because they were using one of those rubber tooth pillows to keep my jaw open. Fact: tooth pillows are nowhere near as luxurious and comfortable as regular sleeping type pillows. I tried to think about non-hilarious things, like puppies dying, but it turns out I am some kind of sicko or something because that did nothing. So I tried to think about tooth decay and the fact that my teeth are unhealthy, and that finally did the trick.

The best part of all of this is that Optimistic. bought me pudding and now we get to go out for my traditional after dentist hamburger.

Bastille Day

My finger floss is a year and a half old as of today.

I went camping at Silver Lake this last weekend. If anyone ever asks you if you want to go camping at Silver Lake, do not hesitate -kick them in the head and run away. It was beautiful and all, but it's a long drive on a road made out of boulders, and when you get to the top there aren't any bathrooms. I was very angry by the time I got out of the car.

I get to go to the dentist on Wednesday and I'm excited to finally get a cleaning as well as some follow up appointments to get my root canals and wisdom teeth taken care of.

We're going to Yellowstone next week, which will be a lot of fun -a lot of the game show network, a lot of bison, a lot of Optimistic.'s family and a lot of poker.

I just ate some ravioli.

I blame you for my pickle factory accident!

Dear My Bladder,
You should be relieved to know that despite the dream I had this morning you are not powered by lithium batteries.*

Ever yours,
Genuine P. Draft

*Upon hearing about my dream Optimistic replied "lithium batteries, or lithium blatteries?" His ability to make bad puns even at 3:12 in the morning astounds me

Sissified

I came across the best name yet at work yesterday - are you ready for this? PANSY PIERRE!* I laughed for a good long while about this one.

*Pansy if you're reading this please don't have me fired.

Sweet holy goodness I'm going to make me some chicken

It finally arrived - my fryer is here! I ordered it last week after a chicken frying incident, and now it's here in my kitchen begging me to deep fry some breaded ravioli. I actually dreamed about it being delivered. Goodbye arteries, hello happiness, I think that I will die!

The DMV, the stripper, and me.

The other day at work I had to spend my lunch break running errands -namely, getting my car registered. So I spent a horrible lunch break trying to get over to the DMV and finally made it there after having to stop by the safety and emissions testing place, going the wrong way on Center street, and having to parallel park, which I do not know how to do. Anyway, I got the new plates and miracle of miracles only had to spend about 15 minutes at the DMV, so I raced back to work, arriving with a few minutes to spare before I had to clock back in. Except I couldn't clock back in, because I couldn't get through the door of the office.

Earlier in the day one of my bosses had received a bouquet of roses roughly the size, though not the shape, of Texas. It was her 5 year anniversary, and her husband was being romantic. That same boss was outside the office door when I got back from the DMV, and she was in handcuffs, with two party hats on her head, as a fake cop was writing her out a ticket. He was a middle aged man with large mirrored sunglasses and a badge on the sleeve of his uniform that said "oinker patrol". He wrote out the ticket, gave her a stern lecture, and then proceeded to strip.

With a whip of his belt, off came the pants. Then the shirt. Underneath his clothes he was wearing a leopard skin Tarzan type outfit, with his chest hairs peeking out the top and his garment bottoms peeking out the bottom. He was also wearing grey dress socks that came halfway up his hairy calves. He sang a slightly shocking song about marriage to the Mexican hat dance song. And when it was all over he announced that he liked my boss so much he was going to let her keep the handcuffs.

I finally managed to get through the door to my desk where I clocked in and wondered why I couldn't have been held up at the DMV like every other person.

Catherine C. Crapper

Some of the fun names I have come across at work-

-Sandy Jelly
-Joy Christmas
-Queen Angus
-Michael Jackson

Look, you get porridge!

When my alarm went off this morning I pushed Optimistic.'s nose in an attempt to turn it off. He did not seem very pleased.

James Earl Jones is a little girl in my ward

Today in Sunday School, during the prayer when everyone had their eyes closed, a small child was crying. Then there was a loud thud and the crying stopped. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say that there are some very ugly kids in my ward. One little girl in particular reminded me of somebody I couldn't place until I realized that she looked like a boiled egg, and the only other person I equate with looking that way is Darth Vader with his mask off. Yeah, no amount of elastic bows on her head is gonna cover that up.

Shooting the craps

Optimistic. and I have gone crazy for poker since my birthday, so last week I bought a poker table top thingus and it got here on Friday! It has cup holders, a reversible top for blackjack and, wait for it......CRAPS! Craps is incredibly fun to play, just so you all know -I've never lost so much fake money in all my life!

I also started my new job last month, but I'll write more on that sometime later. For now just know that I'm getting better at my job, which entails making phone calls (I hate talking on the phone) and using a computer 9 hours a day (I hate using computers). Thank goodness for gambling or I'd go crazy living day after day with the endless drudgery of...I mean... I love you Optimistic. and the life we share together! Well, gotta go folks, there's church to be had!

Not the crappy play by Edward Albee, but the real American Dream

My sisters and I were talking the other day about the ice cream man. I said it was one of those things that's supposedly a part of every person's childhood, but that I didn't really think it was. It's just something the kids on T.V. do, which doesn't mean it's an accurate representation of how things really are. I'd never gotten to buy anything from the ice cream man growing up, so there was a good chance a lot of other kids hadn't either. I was never able to buy anything from the ice cream man because it was too expensive, and why buy a popsicle from a strange man in a van when we already have some in the freezer, was the reasoning my mom used. And she's right - it's not practical.

So in my head I entertained the idea that maybe only a small fraction of the population has purchased ice cream from the ice cream man. It's a myth I said- an "all children get their ice cream from the ice cream man" type myth. Except my sisters squelched that right away - they'd gotten something from the ice cream man as children. Apparently my mom gave them money one time when he came around. I have no idea where I was when this happened, but it was rather upsetting to think that they had gotten to get something and I had not.

Anyway, yesterday I went to buy groceries. I returned home, parked, took one loads worth of food inside, plunked it on the kitchen table, and headed back outside to get more, and then I heard it. The ice cream man music. I looked about wildly until I saw the van. He was coming right down my street.I didn't even hesitate - I took my wallet out of my purse and marched purposefully down the street, right toward him. I stayed close to the curb at first, so as to not be directly in the road, because Optimistic. said his dad handles a lot of insurance claims dealing with children who have been run over trying to cross the street to get to the ice cream man. So I waited until he was close, stepped out a little further into the street, and stopped. His eyes got big as he realized that here was someone who wanted to buy from him, and he stepped on the brakes.

To be honest, I was a little unsure of what to do. I told him I was trying to decide what to buy, and then asked him if I was on the right side of the truck to buy my ice cream. He assured me that I was. I didn't want anything too expensive, but at the same time I wanted to make the stop worth his while, so I settled on a $2.00 Jolly Rancher Watermelon sno-cone type treat. I knew as soon as he handed it to me that it wasn't really what I wanted, but I didn't actually care. I had bought something from the ice cream man. I was living the American dream.

I walked back over toward my house, tearing open my treat as I went, and I saw a little girl across the street playing in her yard. Or rather, she had stopped playing and was staring open-mouthed at the ice cream truck. Toy garden spade in hand she turned and ran for her mother, no doubt begging her to let her get a treat. I gloated a little in my head. I had a treat. Granted, I'm a grown up and I had to pay for it myself in order to live out a life long childhood fantasy, but I still had a sno-cone and she didn't - sucker face!

With Bony M's permission, I may tell another ice cream man story another day. It involves deception and enraged Canadians.

Moses, Moses!

I, Genuine P. Draft have a job for this summer. Most likely. Anyway, it's kind of exciting to be employed, so I'm going to focus on that fact rather than the fact that I don't exactly know what my new job entails. I'm going to be an Area Office Coordinator for a company, and from what I've been told it means I'd be bossing around people who are in Texas and various places. We'll see if I'm up to it.

More importantly, I found a mustache yesterday while I was at work. It was left behind after a language fair and probably belonged on the sweaty lip of some 13 year old kid, but I snatched it up and am considering wearing it when I go to take my finals. I truly am tempted.

And more important than that is that there was a giant hairy spider in my shower this morning, right on top of the shower head, which is where the last shower spider I encountered was almost six years ago. It was frightening. I had to club it with various empty bottles. I may never shower again friends.

Also, Optimistic. and I are going to St. Louis next month for a whole week of spectacular goodness. There will be a wedding of a Leaps to a Krys, a Radiohead concert, some staying with friends in Indiana, and possibly some six flags, Chicago, Muncie, and Louisville thrown in for good measure. It will be amazingly good times.

Today we had a small party at work because it was Nichole's last day. It was interesting because we decided to have it in one of the freight elevators. We brought in a table with a tablecloth and had doughnuts and milk and cookies while we were purposefully stopped between two floors. Tomorrow I'm going to do laundry, maybe take some finals, and maybe hit up a garage sale I know is going down a block from my house.

I haven't written about any of the things I did this last month. I turned 21, had an Easter egg hunt, accidentally changed the time on my alarm clock and woke Optimistic. up at five in the morning, had Freyja and a friend come stay with us over conference weekend, wrote a song about Wafflepants (it's very catchy), finished up all my classes, had an English professor say that I was presumptuous when I asked him for help, drank Jamba Juice, and was tutored by my friend who taught me everything I should have learned about statistics throughout the semester but didn't in just a few hours. I also ate at Tucanos recently and wanted to die afterward I was so full. And I bought The Ten Commandments to commemorate the passing of Charlton Heston. I'm half way through; he has seen the burning bush and is about to head to Egypt to give Yul Brynner what for. Go get 'em Charlton!

Today I took an Easter egg out of someone else's bushes, opened it up, ate a malt egg out of it, and put it back. Then I hit a friend with the Easter basket I happened to be carrying with me in the library on my way to read Ice Cream Larry books. And before all that Optimistic. and I went on a walk to the duck pond and carried on our Easter tradition of rolling our decorated hard boiled eggs at the ducks. I also went back to my old apartment and reclaimed my favorite blue rocking chair from off the balcony. Just walked off with it after having left it there for almost a year. I hope they wonder about it, whoever lives there now. I chased ducks, and almost caught a slow one. People across the street were having a picnic on their lawn while I did dishes with the window open. This evening the temperature was perfect outside.

I have plans for my tax rebate - I'm getting a tent - a big one that sleeps a dozen people with enough room to stand up in and stay up all night playing cards by lantern so that when I say "Let's go camping" and someone says "I don't have a tent" I can say "I have a tent - a big tent - and you and seven other people can come and camp with me, if I like you and your seven other people well enough."

It is Spring outside, and close to being Summer and I will camp and picnic and play croquet and lay in the park at night being eaten by bugs and be wildly happy.

License to kill

Walking home from work yesterday I saw a license plate that read KELLBEL. I concluded that its owner must (a) be a fan of the movie Kill Bill and (b) be a native Utahan.

[sic]

I am home sick today, with a throat thing and a heavy head and some aches and pains. So far I have accomplished emailing a paper to my TA that was due today, watching several episodes of Grey's Anatomy online, and putting on deodorant, in that order. I may go watch Pollyanna now because it is my sick day movie. Also, it turns out drinking 72 ounces of water in one sitting will make you have to go to the bathroom. Who knew?

along the trail to fame and glory

It was a night of firsts. I went to my first BYU sporting event last weekend, the shocking part of that announcement being that I've been here for 3 years. I'm a junior, and I had been to nothing, so when M-High called me up and asked if I wanted to go to the men's volleyball game I said yes. We walked over together and upon arrival I informed her that I expected the works - I wanted "the overpriced hot dog, the snack foods bigger than my head, everything! The sky's the limit! "

"Okay, but either way, you're paying for it."
"What? You asked me, remember? I can't believe you expect me to go dutch on this!"

We got good seats in the blue chairs (I insisted because the benches hurt my back so much) and headed off to the concessions stand, where we discovered, get this, only reasonably priced concessions*. I was shocked. Anywhere else would have charged upwards of seven dollars for a hot dog, and BYU had the nerve to charge only $2.50. This definitely threw my plans for a loop and resulted in me buying a lot of food -namely nachos, a tub of popcorn bigger than my head, and a flavor pop, which is seven times bigger than an otter pop and not nearly as tasty.

The game was good -very exciting stuff, this volleyball. Except that when BYU won a game everyone stood up all of the sudden and I had no idea what was going on. I hurriedly emptied my lap of the popcorn, the nachos, and the flavor pop and stood up to find that everyone was singing the fight song. I was aware we had one, I'd just never heard it before, and even with the words displayed on a giant screen I had no idea what tune I was supposed to be singing it to. And when it got to the end, it turned out to not be the end, because there was a whole Ra Ra Ra-Ra-Ra bit that I didn't know was coming. My fist/air pumping was sporadic to say the least. Stupid ra ra ra. I did much better the second time around, and by the time we won the last game I was a seasoned pro. Not enough to be able to tell you now what the words are to the fight song, but enough that I can do that air punching thing without looking like I'm having a heart attack.

Other firsts from that evening -

(1) I considered tossing a nectarine pit down the collar of a semi-acquaintance sitting one row in front of me and three seats down. I restrained myself.

(2) I tried flossing my teeth with a granola bar wrapper. Eating popcorn always leaves those pesky brown thinguses in my teeth, and my fingernails aren't long enough to get them out. I even propositioned M-High by gesturing to my open mouth and saying, "You've got nice long nails, would you mind?" She did, in fact, mind.

I consider the whole evening to have been an absolute triumph.


*Every time I hear the word concessions I get it confused with the word indulgences, so when the billboard at the movies says "Impress your date, buy concessions" I think of some sort of catholic market for paying off past sins going on behind the popcorn counter